Mother’s Day 2009

Ever since Jacob’s death in September 2006, it has been hard to face Mother’s Day.  At the same time, I have a strange sense of nervous anticipation each year as this holiday approaches.  If you have read the post before this one about my first Mother’s Day without Jacob, you already know that something incredible happened that day.

As each new Mother’s Day approaches, I can’t help but wonder how I might experience Jacob in some way, if at all.  I don’t wait for a supernatural display like the one I received that first Mother’s Day, but I look for small signs.  I don’t EXPECT God to allow these things to happen, but I am hopeful He will.

Last year on Mother’s Day, I felt a deep stirring in my soul several times throughout the church service.  Jacob felt very near.  I was moved to tears.  Those tears are not typical tears.  They come when I experience what I refer to as a “Holy Spirit cry.”  The Spirit touches me deep inside and brings forth these tears.  It doesn’t happen often, so I know the difference.  I still remember having one of these during a church service in September 2005.  I had been experiencing the same thing the day before as I was gardening.  I couldn’t explain the reason behind the tears.  Looking back, I wonder if the Spirit was preparing me for what would take place on a Sunday in September one year later.  Jacob died on Sunday, September 24, 2006.

Another moment Jacob felt near last year on Mother’s Day was when a picture in our living room fell to the ground.  Our golden retriever ran over and began sniffing all around the area where the picture had fallen.  She is typically very timid when it comes to loud noises, but not that time.   In fact, she seemed excited with what she was picking up through her acute senses.

The picture that had fallen was of the sunrise that washed over our island the morning of Jacob’s memorial service.  Jacob’s uncle took the picture, had it framed and gave it to us as a gift.  We love the picture, but we especially love what he had printed around the picture:  “God is real… Heaven is real…  Jacob is Alive!”  And that’s the picture that fell to the ground on Mother’s Day.  That picture had never fallen prior to that, and it hasn’t fallen since.  I have a feeling someone wanted us to remember the truth behind those words.

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How Could This Happen To Me?

On the night of September 24, 2006, after the phone call had come from the hospital in Greensboro, Georgia telling us that our son had been in a car accident, I refused to believe anything REALLY bad could have happened.  When my husband suggested, “Maybe the reason Jacob wasn’t transported to the hospital in Athens is because there was nothing more they could do for him,” I screamed back, “STOP IT!” and pulled away from him in horror.  With total disbelief I asked him, “Why would you say something like that?”

The hospital wouldn’t tell us his condition and the trooper who called the house had just told me the boys left the accident scene by ambulance “breathing and holding their own.”  That my husband would even entertain the idea of Jacob dying was incomprehensible to me.

Why?

Did I think something like that couldn’t happen to him?  Did I think such a disaster could not fall upon our family?  Did I think God simply would not allow it?  Yes. Yes. Yes and No. No. No.

In my mind I always knew disaster could strike my family at any moment, but I never really thought God would stand for it.  I had always been so grateful for the gift of a faithful husband and two healthy children who had good minds and made good choices.  My husband and I lovingly disciplined them and brought them up to know and appreciate the immense love God has for them.  We spent quality time with our children on numerous family vacations and weekend camping trips in our trusty VW Vanagon Camper.  We exposed them to other cultures and ways of life. We listened to them and got to know their hearts.  They grew up to be joyful, well-adjusted, compassionate and confident people.  God needed more kids like them in this world.  He certainly wouldn’t take one away.

As twisted as that might be, somewhere in the back of my mind, I honestly thought we were going to be spared from the worst of nightmares.  After all, my husband lost his mother at the age of six and I had lived with enough heartache, disappointment and dysfunction to be a guest on Oprah for a week.  Hadn’t we endured enough?

The problem is, life is not about equal amounts of suffering being distributed amongst the world’s population.  If that were the case, I could expect much more.  Compared to the pain and suffering of people in some of the poorest communities around the globe, my life was and continues to be pretty darn comfortable and easy.

The truth is, God never promised anyone an easy life.  There is nothing in Scripture that says once we follow God our problems will disappear.  In fact, we are told to expect problems.  In John 16:33, Jesus clearly says, “In this world you WILL have trouble. (emphasis mine)  The rain falls and the sun shines on the wicked as well as the upright.  Although it is possible to experience God’s favor while on this earth, it would serve us well to be prepared to experience heartache and disappointment.

So what’s the point?  Why live a life for Christ when He isn’t going to stop the pain train from smashing into us?  The reason to follow Christ has to do with all of the other things that come with a life in which Jesus is at the center.  When we draw near to Him, God draws near to us.  God sends us the One who comforts.  He gives us peace that is impossible to understand or describe.  He gives hope in the midst of hopeless situations.  He brings new joy into our lives each and every day.  He gives us eyes to see the good in life if that is what we long to see.

Jesus tells us to take heart even though we have troubles in life because He has overcome the world.  There is nothing in this world that he cannot help us overcome.  That is not to say we will never be faced with life circumstances that are more than we can handle.

There is an often misquoted passage of Scripture about this very topic.  People confuse I Corinthians 10:13 to mean that God will never allow us to face trials that are more than we can handle.  But that’s NOT what this verse says.  It says, “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”  This passage is talking about temptation.

When it comes to despair, that’s a totally different thing.  God knows there will be times in life when we simply cannot make it on our own.  Paul says in II Corinthians 1:8 & 9 “We do not want you to be uninformed about the hardships we suffered.  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.  But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”

God wants us to know that He is there for us when nothing in our world makes sense.  When we feel we have no reason to have hope or to keep on living, He is there to pick up the pieces of our broken lives and put them back together again.  As Creator, His rightful place is to be the source of our life, and that’s exactly what He promises to be when we have no strength left to live.  Remember, He raises the dead.

When my husband and I were told that Jacob had not survived the injuries he sustained in his car accident, I wanted to die.  I felt betrayed by God and wanted to scream, “How could you allow this to happen?  Why Jacob?  Why my family?  Why me?”  Perhaps the better questions are ones that I should have asked myself, “Why should He have stopped it?  Why NOT Jacob? Why NOT me?”

Sure, I have perfectly good answers to those questions I should have asked myself, but they are from my human, finite and earthly perspective.  God’s answers are from His holy, infinite and Heavenly perspective, which is all together different.  And it’s perfect.  That’s still not easy to say or write, but it is true.

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A Letter To Jacob 7 Months Later

This is a letter I wrote to Jacob 7 1/2 months after he died. It was part of a journal I kept.

Jacob, I will never ever forget all the love I have for you, because I carry it in my heart at all times.  The hard part is that my heart has been broken into a million pieces, and I’m trying desperately to grab them all so I don’t lose a single piece.  I am tired and weary but still unable to sleep without the help of a sleeping pill.

I want to know where you are and what it looks like.  I want to know what it means that you are in the presence of God.  Surely, you are happy, but does it ever hurt to be away from us? When Scripture says He will wipe every tear from our eye, it is referring to a time when we will reside in the New Heavens and New Earth, but that time has not yet come, at least not for those of us here on earth.

Are you allowed to be near us in a different way?  Are you okay?  Are you lonely for us as we are so very lonely for you?

How does a mother’s heart ever heal when she loses a child, especially when it is a son as wonderful as you?  Maybe full healing never takes place while we are still here on this earth in these mortal bodies.  My life will never be whole without Jesus, so until I am dancing with Jesus in Heaven and standing next to you, I suspect my heart will remain scarred and broken to a point.

By the way, will you promise to be my second dance partner, after I’ve had a chance to dance with Jesus?  The only exception to this request would arise if your dad gets there before me.  Then I’d want him to be my second dance.  Or maybe we’ll all dance together!

Jacob, I miss you so much! Today, you should be home from college, maybe just now waking up since it is 10:15 am.  We could be having a wonderful mother/son talk this morning and maybe even going out to lunch together.  You know I would have at least tried to get you to go with me.  Of course, you would probably have plans to go to the beach with Matt and Bobby, or you’d be going to work out at the health club.  How I wish our lives were such that all I had to experience was the disappointment of having you turn down my lunch invitation.

As I used to say when you were little:  I love you, Jacob… all the way up to Heaven and past Heaven if you can get there.

Love,

Mom

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Hope For A New Year

As a new year waits just around the bend, I can’t help but think of the many hopes and dreams I have for 2010.  I’ll get to those in just a moment, but first I want to mention what it was like for me on the first New Year’s Eve without Jacob, my 18-year-old son who died in a car accident on September 24, 2006.  As the hours ticked away and the ball began to drop on December 31, 2006, all I wanted to do was kick and scream.  I didn’t want to enter into a new year.  I didn’t want to live during a year in which my son never existed in the flesh on this planet.  I didn’t want to date my checks with “2007,” a year he never wrote on any college papers or checks.  Try as I might to stop the forward movement of time, the new year still came closer and closer.

A few days earlier, I had told my husband I wanted to mark the midnight hour by praying and looking at pictures of Jacob–by myself.  No one else needed to be dragged into my personal nightmare.  That’s what I did.  While pain was very present, peace also rested upon me as I talked with God and reminisced in my mind about our family while turning pages of photo albums.

Now that 2010 approaches, my outlook is very different.  I don’t resist the start of a new year, I embrace it.  After all, it means I am one year closer to being with Jacob again.  Please don’t take that as a death wish on my part, because it isn’t.  I love my husband and daughter way too much to want to check out early and leave them here without me.  At the same time, if 2010 happens to be the year I go Home, it’s OK with me.

My hopes and dreams for this year do not include going Home.  My hopes and dreams are to live life fully, just as Jacob did, and just as God would want me to live.  What does that look like?  I’m not really sure, but I think it involves more activity and involvement in The J9 Foundation, established in memory of Jacob.  I think it means researching and writing more about grief as well as entrepreneurship and business education.  I think it incorporates eating in a healthier way and exercising more.

While days come along that are almost impossible to survive, I still have hopes and dreams.  Life isn’t over for Jacob… or for me… ever.

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Christmas Will Never Be What It Was

On Christmas Day 2009, I sent text messages to a number of friends who have lost a child. One of my friends lost her daughter Christmas night, 2007. Sigourney was on her way home when a drunk driver killed her. My thoughts will be with my friend Laurence every Christmas from now until I die, because she not only has to do Christmas without her daughter, but she also marks the anniversary of her daughter’s death. Technically, her daughter was killed a few minutes after midnight, so she died on December 26, but for all intents and purposes it was Christmas night. On top of that, Sigourney’s birthday is December 27. She would have been turning 20. What unbelievable pain for one mother/father to endure in a 72-hour period every single year.

Another friend of mine lost her 18-year-old son this past May 18, 2009 in a car accident. This was her first Christmas without her son.  The last words of my text to her were the title of this blog.  Christmas will never be what it was.

It’s true.

While Christmas itself doesn’t change, the way we view Christmas after the death of a child does change.  The joy we once experienced at the sound of Christmas music playing in stores has diminished. Now, the sound of Christmas songs brings waves of pain and sadness. It triggers tears and even panic attacks.  Pulling out those old ornaments the kids made when they were younger brings tears of sadness rather than laughter.  Rather than the lightness of laughter as we see how goofy the ornaments look, there is a heaviness, as we are reminded of who is no longer with us.

Decorating the house for Christmas is an act of drudgery rather than an experience filled with excitement.  It is a chore, and we just go through the motions while memories course through our minds of how wonderful and easy life used to be.  What we wouldn’t give to experience the laughter and joy of Christmas once again with our child.

At the same time, Christmas becomes better in ways.  We no longer view it through the eyes of commercialism and consumerism. The meaning of Christmas changes, perhaps to what it always should have been. It becomes more about Jesus and the gift of hope that came through a Child born into this world who would save the world.  Because God was willing to become flesh and dwell among us, the pathway to hope was paved.  The way Jesus lived, died and rose again is the reason we can have assurance that life goes on after death.  We WILL see our child again.  Praise God!

Christmas music is lovely (for the most part), and Christmas decorations are beautiful (for the most part), but those are not what Christmas is all about. And it certainly isn’t about the gifts under a Christmas tree, as special and fun as they might be.  Christmas is about the gift of a Child to this world that offered hope for eternity.  Christmas serves as a reminder of all that was done for us so we could live life fully, die and live life again, but as it was meant to be.  Life without death or pain or sorrow will one day be ours to enjoy with God Himself and the child we so dearly miss.

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The Hope That Lies Ahead

This was a journal entry from January 20, 2009.  The message still applies today even though the event it was connected to is now in the past.

Today we saw a new president take the oath of office. With each new administration there is a sense of hope and expectation for what the future will hold, and this one is certainly no different. In fact, given the state of our country’s economic condition and reputation in the world, there is an even greater hope that the future will be brighter. Most likely it will be, but there are no guarantees when it comes to our economy. We can only hope, pray, and see how the future unfolds.

For a person who has lost a child, the hope and expectation for what the future will hold is shattered. Nothing looks bright, and any sense of future is lost or meaningless–at least for a time. Then, as the weeks, months or even years pass, little glimmers of hope begin to appear on the horizon. We begin to see that it is possible to have joy again, especially in the little things such as hearing a beautiful song bird or watching a butterfly land on a flower and display its beauty as it gently moves its wings.

As the ability to see the present with a heart of joy returns, our ability to see the future with hope and expectation also begins to grow. In fact, we might discover a new found hobby or past time that helps us to look forward with anticipation to what lies ahead for us. But there is no greater hope or expectation than that which Heaven offers. You see, for those of us who believe in eternal life and know Heaven to be our true home, this here and now is only a shadow of all that awaits us. The most beautiful sunrise here will be outdone a hundredfold in Heaven. The finest wines and foods enjoyed on this earth will seem like items picked up at the local mini-mart once we have tasted what is in Heaven. The pieces of music that stir our souls here on earth will bring us joy in Heaven, but they will pale in comparison to the sounds that will wrap around us as we move about the Kingdom of Heaven.

Yes, Mr. President, I look forward to the next few years with hope and anticipation, but even if you accomplish everything I hope you and your administration will accomplish, it will only satisfy to a point. My true hope and expectation lie in God alone and the Kingdom of Heaven in which I will live. There, I will be all that I was meant to be. There I will be with Him. There I will be reunited with the ones I have loved and lost here on earth. There I will be with my son, and we will laugh together and hug one another just as we always did, but it will be even better.

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