This is a post I made nearly a year ago at a blog I started in 2007. I am re-posting it here because I believe it is a good reminder, especially after Michael Warren’s departure to Heaven less than a week ago.
A friend recently reminded me of something I used to say. “If anything ever happens to one of my kids, just lock me up and throw away the key, because I’ll never be able to survive it.” That is exactly how I felt right up to the day Jacob died. In fact, the day before, September 23, 2006, one of Jacob’s classmates died of bone cancer. As we spoke of A.J. and his family after praying for them, I could not get my heart or mind around what the parents must have been going through. “How does a parent let go of their child? How does a mother let go of her son?” I asked aloud. Just thinking about it was painful and beyond my ability to comprehend.
When we arrived at the small, rural hospital at 2:30 in the morning and were told Jacob had not survived the accident, my world fell apart. I had a clear sense of God’s voice comforting me on the flight to Athens, Georgia, the closest airport to the accident site. The comfort and reassurance was so great that I never cried. I continued to pray for Jacob, but I knew he was going to be fine. My focus turned to his friend who was in the car with him when the accident occurred. When the final word about Jacob’s condition contradicted everything I felt God telling me, I felt betrayed, yet God was the only One I could turn to at that moment.
As the days and weeks passed, my mind went back and forth about God. He would go from being (in my mind) The Betrayer to The Comforter to The Liar to The Miracle Worker. Some days I’d have it out with God, shaking my fist and yelling, “How could you allow this to happen to my son?” Other days I’d say, “Thank you for being there for my son when he died and bringing him into Your presence in Heaven.” A particular passage from the Bible had a profound effect on me. It says, “The righteous perish, and no one ponders (cherishes) it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.” Isaiah 57:1 Jacob will never have to endure the evil of this world again.
No matter the state of my mind, heart or soul, God was always with me. Each time I kicked and screamed like a child at God, my outburst would end with an overwhelming comfort, as though God had placed me in His lap and pulled my head to his chest and rocked me. I felt an inner peace. At those moments and many other times throughout this journey since Jacob’s death, I have wondered how people who do not believe in God survive such a tragedy. Then I realized that God does not ONLY comfort those who believe in Him. He even comforts those who curse Him and deny Him. Blessings are given to the trustworthy and upright as well as the scoundrels who prey on innocent people. God loves ALL of His children, even if they don’t love Him. He never forces Himself upon anyone, for he is the ultimate of gentlemen, but He will always bring His presence and His comfort when it is needed. We simply need to be willing to receive it, even if we have no idea who brings us this peace, strength and comfort.
The sad thing (in my opinion) is that those who don’t believe in God or recognize that it is Him who is comforting them have no idea how to find that comfort when it doesn’t seem so apparent. When they are falling apart on the floor in a puddle of tears, who/what do they cry out to? Other people I guess, and hopefully someone who is reaching out a hand to offer help is reflecting the love of God and being an ambassador of comfort for Him. As soon as I begin to feel myself slipping into the dark abyss of sadness and despair, I know whose name to call and where to place my eyes. My eyes are on Him, and I look up as He pulls me out. I can’t imagine falling into despair and having no idea how to find the way out.
In no way do I consider myself better than another mother who has lost a child and does not seek God as her Comforter. I just know that my journey, while excruciating, will be a little bit easier. There’s also a beautiful light called Heaven awaiting me at the end of the tunnel. That is where I will be with Jacob again, just as we were before, only better. Even now I am with Jacob, but it does not satisfy the way it did when we both existed in this earthly realm. Yet our time together, as fabulous as it was, was only a shadow of what is to come. What lies ahead far exceeds even my greatest of expectations. How I long for that day!!!! But until then, my life still has purpose. That purpose has changed in some ways that are hard to accept now that Jacob is gone, but the purpose is still worthwhile and I am the only one who can fulfill MY purpose on this earth.
So, I have strength to get through today. Because I know I am here for a unique and specific purpose that no one else can accomplish, I have reasons to continue living and making a difference in this world while God still gives me breath. I also have so much to look forward to when my days in this realm of life are done. Without those things, I would never be able to pull myself out of bed. Some may see my faith as a crutch, but I see it as my greatest strength.
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A wonderful post for anyone who has lost a child. I wish my mom had this kind of support back when my sister was killed when a plane crashed into their home.
Judy
Judy, thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry to learn of the loss of your sister in such a shocking way. How hard it must have been for your mom and your entire family to make sense of it all. A good support system can make a huge difference. At times, my friends held onto faith when I could barely do so myself.