Today is January 14, 2019. It has been roughly 8 years, 4 months since I last made a post here. Why the long pause? I could never explain it well enough for anyone to really understand, but I’m here today because I was nudged or perhaps shoved a bit by God to share what He has done and maybe even what He has not done. My focus and purpose, however, is to really bring forward the crazy, unfathomable, ridiculous ways God has blessed me in the midst of deep emotional pain. I have since had plenty more profoundly deep pain. While I’m certain God was/is there through these other seasons of tremendous grief, I must confess it has rarely been in the same and mysterious ways. But I’m here mostly to offer hope through the stories of what God did in some of my darkest days.
The reminder to tell these stories came on November 17, 2018:
After getting home from a day in NYC, I felt wiped out. Naps are very uncommon for me, despite nearly two years of battling ovarian cancer, but I agreed to go lie down for awhile given how exhausted I was. We had an event to attend that night in Pawling, NY, so a nap might give me a chance to feel more refreshed.
Much to my surprise, a few minutes after lying down, my mind began to race. In fact, I thought how odd it was that I had just felt so tired but now felt as though I was on a caffeine buzz. Interestingly, my mind was not simply racing with my own thoughts of the day or the evening event to come. Passages of Scripture and images or visions from a time long past flashed through my mind. God was reminding me of the countless ways He had been good to me in the past. The overriding theme, however, of this brain buzz was the fact that this current cancer battle I am in involving some very stubborn tumors in my liver is not one of flesh and blood alone. This battle is also going on in the spiritual realm. As it says in Scripture, our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Jesus also speaks of “stubborn” situations that cannot be resolved except by prayer and fasting. As I mentioned earlier, God reminded me of the numerous ways he had blessed me in some of the darkest days of my life. The richest of these blessings came shortly after our son Jacob died in a car accident.
About a week ago, I attempted to visit the memorial website I created years ago to honor Jacob and soothe my own soul. The url I had typed a thousand times before brought me to a completely unrelated page. Then I visited the main page of the main website that allowed me to create my personal memorial website for Jacob. I was relieved to see the main website was still there. Upon doing a search for Jacob’s memorial, it stated that page did not exist. When I did a Google search using Jacob’s name, nothing about the website came up as it always had in the past. I was heartbroken. Were all of the stories, the images, the videos and recordings of his voice really gone? The website had changed ownership nearly 10 years ago and it had been impossible to add new material since that time. Then the site crashed repeatedly. The reality that Jacob’s memorial site was actually gone was hard to accept, so I returned to the main website once again. This time, I did a different kind of search. There it was! His website popped up on my screen once again. Thank God!
I decided in that moment to screen shot the entire first section of his website and record some of the voice messages onto my phone. Just in case this happened again and there was no hope of retrieval, I wanted to at least have a way to access all the stories. These were the stories of God’s amazing grace and goodness.
My recent relocating of Jacob’s website entered my buzzed brain during my supposed “nap” on Saturday. I sensed God saying, “You need to keep telling the stories. You need to encourage others with them, just as you did all those years ago. Don’t forget what I have done for you in the past. I am continuing to do good things for you, but you must continue to share the stories.”
That is what I am doing now. I am going to start sharing these remarkable stories again, but here at my blog rather than through the memorial website alone. God is good. Even when all else seems to be spinning out of control, even when prayers seem to go unheard, even when test results say one thing, God is saying ‘I am good, I am doing a good thing here, and I love you’.” Today, I am choosing to continue to trust and believe. Praise God!
Journey Of Grief ~ Journey Of Grace 