Another journal entry:
My heart is racing! The phone just rang and the person on the other end said, “Hi, may I please speak to Jacob?” I could hardly respond. It was an army recruiter who had gotten Jacob’s name from a list of seniors who graduated from his high school. I calmly asked the gentleman to remove Jacob’s name from the list because he had died. That is a classic example of how simple things like a phone call can become complicated.
Last week someone called from our local Honda dealership. The person left a message wanting to know if we still owned the S-2000, the car Jacob was driving when he had his accident. Did I really have to call them back? Yes, so they wouldn’t call again.
I was shaking as I dialed the telephone number to return the call. The phone rang and rang. Part of me wanted to tell the whole story of what had happened. I just needed to tell somebody. But no one answered. With a little more time to think, I rationalized in my head that I didn’t need to burden anyone with what had happened. I would simply tell the person we no longer owned the vehicle. Yet my heart longed to speak Jacob’s name and tell the story. There were miracles to share despite the tragedy! That’s when I said, “OK, Lord, you know I want to tell this story to release a part of my pain, but I don’t want to burden someone with it. All I am going to do is say that we no longer own the vehicle. If you want me to tell the story, You make the person ask the questions.”
Later that afternoon, I tried again. This time, someone answered the phone immediately. I said I was calling to inform them that we no longer owned the S-2000. The man’s response was, “Please just tell me you sold it and that it wasn’t in a wreck!” My heart stopped. I could not believe what my ears were hearing. I said that it had been in a wreck, but gave no other information. He asked, “Is everyone OK?” The door had been opened. I shared the story with him. He was so compassionate. Before hanging up, he said very gently, “You have a blessed weekend!” As I hung up the phone, tears spilled down my cheeks. I realized that God had heard my cry–the desire of my heart, and He provided. What an amazing God of detail He is, yet He spoke the universe into existence.
While these past 7 months have been some of the most difficult days in the life of our family, they have also been some of the most blessed. Michael, Raleigh and I have each had our own moments of knowing God more intimately and passionately than ever before. For me, I have never desired to know God more. In the past, I could go days without reading Scripture and my prayers, although frequent, were not always passionate. My relationship with God was strong but far from being desperate. Now, I can’t go more than a day or two without reading from Scripture. When I don’t, I notice that my thoughts are about death rather than life. These words of Jesus restore me:
But about the resurrection of the dead–have you not read what God said to you, “I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob?” He is not the God of the dead, but the living. Matthew 22:32
Never before have I been so hungry to receive wisdom and understanding. Every day I cry out to God that He would give me eyes to see and ears to hear Him. I don’t want to miss a single thing He has for me! The words of the prophet Isaiah ring through my head:
You will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way, walk in it.” Isaiah 30:19-21
At the same time, I have never wanted to see my son or hear his voice more. I cried like a baby when he left for college. My heart ached just to walk by his quiet bedroom those first weeks he was away at college. My heart would jump for joy every time I heard his voice on the other end of the phone.
One day, I was walking in the grocery store missing Jacob terribly. My cell phone rang, and I saw that it was Jacob calling me in the middle of his busy day on campus. I remember the time he sent me a text message just to tell me he had seen the daughter of one of my friends on campus. Sweet connections with my son that he initiated.
I will always cherish his first visit home from college when he specifically asked me if we could talk about some things on his mind and heart. He told Michael (Dad) not to join us. To that, Michael replied, “Jacob, you have just made your mother’s year!” How true! What I wouldn’t give to have a face to face and heart to heart conversation with my son now. I want to see his dimpled smile and hear his laughter, but I can’t. We have no videos of him as an older teenager. We have pictures of him, but I long for so much more.
Last night, I came across a laughter journal I made once when we were on a family trip. We were all trying to remember some of the funniest moments our family had shared together. It was four pages long! I laughed until I cried, as it occurred to me I will never be able to add another laughter memory with Jacob. Dear God, that hurts! He made us laugh so much while he was here. Our lives were so much richer because of him.
Journey Of Grief ~ Journey Of Grace 