A Letter To Jacob 7 Months Later

This is a letter I wrote to Jacob 7 1/2 months after he died. It was part of a journal I kept.

Jacob, I will never ever forget all the love I have for you, because I carry it in my heart at all times.  The hard part is that my heart has been broken into a million pieces, and I’m trying desperately to grab them all so I don’t lose a single piece.  I am tired and weary but still unable to sleep without the help of a sleeping pill.

I want to know where you are and what it looks like.  I want to know what it means that you are in the presence of God.  Surely, you are happy, but does it ever hurt to be away from us? When Scripture says He will wipe every tear from our eye, it is referring to a time when we will reside in the New Heavens and New Earth, but that time has not yet come, at least not for those of us here on earth.

Are you allowed to be near us in a different way?  Are you okay?  Are you lonely for us as we are so very lonely for you?

How does a mother’s heart ever heal when she loses a child, especially when it is a son as wonderful as you?  Maybe full healing never takes place while we are still here on this earth in these mortal bodies.  My life will never be whole without Jesus, so until I am dancing with Jesus in Heaven and standing next to you, I suspect my heart will remain scarred and broken to a point.

By the way, will you promise to be my second dance partner, after I’ve had a chance to dance with Jesus?  The only exception to this request would arise if your dad gets there before me.  Then I’d want him to be my second dance.  Or maybe we’ll all dance together!

Jacob, I miss you so much! Today, you should be home from college, maybe just now waking up since it is 10:15 am.  We could be having a wonderful mother/son talk this morning and maybe even going out to lunch together.  You know I would have at least tried to get you to go with me.  Of course, you would probably have plans to go to the beach with Matt and Bobby, or you’d be going to work out at the health club.  How I wish our lives were such that all I had to experience was the disappointment of having you turn down my lunch invitation.

As I used to say when you were little:  I love you, Jacob… all the way up to Heaven and past Heaven if you can get there.

Love,

Mom

Read Full Post »