Hope For A New Year

As a new year waits just around the bend, I can’t help but think of the many hopes and dreams I have for 2010.  I’ll get to those in just a moment, but first I want to mention what it was like for me on the first New Year’s Eve without Jacob, my 18-year-old son who died in a car accident on September 24, 2006.  As the hours ticked away and the ball began to drop on December 31, 2006, all I wanted to do was kick and scream.  I didn’t want to enter into a new year.  I didn’t want to live during a year in which my son never existed in the flesh on this planet.  I didn’t want to date my checks with “2007,” a year he never wrote on any college papers or checks.  Try as I might to stop the forward movement of time, the new year still came closer and closer.

A few days earlier, I had told my husband I wanted to mark the midnight hour by praying and looking at pictures of Jacob–by myself.  No one else needed to be dragged into my personal nightmare.  That’s what I did.  While pain was very present, peace also rested upon me as I talked with God and reminisced in my mind about our family while turning pages of photo albums.

Now that 2010 approaches, my outlook is very different.  I don’t resist the start of a new year, I embrace it.  After all, it means I am one year closer to being with Jacob again.  Please don’t take that as a death wish on my part, because it isn’t.  I love my husband and daughter way too much to want to check out early and leave them here without me.  At the same time, if 2010 happens to be the year I go Home, it’s OK with me.

My hopes and dreams for this year do not include going Home.  My hopes and dreams are to live life fully, just as Jacob did, and just as God would want me to live.  What does that look like?  I’m not really sure, but I think it involves more activity and involvement in The J9 Foundation, established in memory of Jacob.  I think it means researching and writing more about grief as well as entrepreneurship and business education.  I think it incorporates eating in a healthier way and exercising more.

While days come along that are almost impossible to survive, I still have hopes and dreams.  Life isn’t over for Jacob… or for me… ever.

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Christmas Will Never Be What It Was

On Christmas Day 2009, I sent text messages to a number of friends who have lost a child. One of my friends lost her daughter Christmas night, 2007. Sigourney was on her way home when a drunk driver killed her. My thoughts will be with my friend Laurence every Christmas from now until I die, because she not only has to do Christmas without her daughter, but she also marks the anniversary of her daughter’s death. Technically, her daughter was killed a few minutes after midnight, so she died on December 26, but for all intents and purposes it was Christmas night. On top of that, Sigourney’s birthday is December 27. She would have been turning 20. What unbelievable pain for one mother/father to endure in a 72-hour period every single year.

Another friend of mine lost her 18-year-old son this past May 18, 2009 in a car accident. This was her first Christmas without her son.  The last words of my text to her were the title of this blog.  Christmas will never be what it was.

It’s true.

While Christmas itself doesn’t change, the way we view Christmas after the death of a child does change.  The joy we once experienced at the sound of Christmas music playing in stores has diminished. Now, the sound of Christmas songs brings waves of pain and sadness. It triggers tears and even panic attacks.  Pulling out those old ornaments the kids made when they were younger brings tears of sadness rather than laughter.  Rather than the lightness of laughter as we see how goofy the ornaments look, there is a heaviness, as we are reminded of who is no longer with us.

Decorating the house for Christmas is an act of drudgery rather than an experience filled with excitement.  It is a chore, and we just go through the motions while memories course through our minds of how wonderful and easy life used to be.  What we wouldn’t give to experience the laughter and joy of Christmas once again with our child.

At the same time, Christmas becomes better in ways.  We no longer view it through the eyes of commercialism and consumerism. The meaning of Christmas changes, perhaps to what it always should have been. It becomes more about Jesus and the gift of hope that came through a Child born into this world who would save the world.  Because God was willing to become flesh and dwell among us, the pathway to hope was paved.  The way Jesus lived, died and rose again is the reason we can have assurance that life goes on after death.  We WILL see our child again.  Praise God!

Christmas music is lovely (for the most part), and Christmas decorations are beautiful (for the most part), but those are not what Christmas is all about. And it certainly isn’t about the gifts under a Christmas tree, as special and fun as they might be.  Christmas is about the gift of a Child to this world that offered hope for eternity.  Christmas serves as a reminder of all that was done for us so we could live life fully, die and live life again, but as it was meant to be.  Life without death or pain or sorrow will one day be ours to enjoy with God Himself and the child we so dearly miss.

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Grief and the Holidays

The holiday season is here, and along with it comes the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow. Before losing my son, Thanksgiving and Christmas were the most wonderful holidays, closely followed by the excitement and hope of a new year. The traditions brought joy and comfort along with warm memories. The music alone could take me to a magical place in my mind and spirit. No time of year was ever more filled with anticipation and joy than the holiday season.

All of that changed drastically in the fall of 2006, when my one and only son died as a result of a car accident. For someone who has recently experienced the death of a dearly loved one or has suffered a great loss of some sort (the loss of a job or the end of a relationship), the holidays quickly become a time of year that is filled with great pain and sorrow. The fact that so many others are reveling in the excitement of the holidays only exacerbates the misery of those who are grieving. Those first trips to stores filled with holiday decorations hurt so much because they serve as reminders of all that you no longer have.

Two of my worst experiences with this took place at a Hallmark store. The first was while I was standing in line to check out. A song began playing that was a favorite for our family during the holidays. I could feel my heart quicken and my breathing changed. Emotions and memories began swirling around inside of me. Then a woman in line for the next cash register began talking to the cashier about her adult daughter’s very serious car accident. She described what happened to the vehicle and the injuries her daughter sustained. I felt deep compassion for this woman, but I wanted her to stop talking. She appeared to be well-equipped to help her daughter through her healing process which made me thankful, but the bluntness of her description was too much. Deep inside of me were screams: “Stop telling the details!” “I’ve got to get out of here!” “Be quiet, lady!” “Why do I have to be listening to this?” “Why must you tell this story out loud for everyone to hear?” “My son died! I can’t hear about your daughter who survived!” My thoughts were selfish and unfair because this woman was grieving too, but I simply could not bear to hear anymore.

The second experience involved an employee who was on the phone with her child. In full volume, she was berating her child (not the one she was speaking to) for not cleaning up the house. She was telling the child on the phone to relay threatening statements to the other child. “You better tell her that if she doesn’t get that stuff picked up, she is gonna get it from me when I get home. She can kiss the car goodbye! I can’t stand her and her attitude!” (I wonder where the daughter got it from?) My stomach began churning as I heard this conversation play out. The irony of it all? I was at the store to buy cards for three other parents who had also lost children. The desire within me to go up and give this woman a piece of my mind was so strong I began trembling. Once again I found myself screaming inside, “Don’t you know how blessed you are to have your child? What if something happened to your child, and those were the last words she heard from you? Who gives a ____ about the condition of your house! Your child and the relationship you have with your child are FAR more important than the appearance of your stupid house!”

Holidays are a time when relationships, especially close family relationships, become a central focus. After all, it is with our family that we celebrate most of these holidays. For the one who is now without a beloved family member or significant other, the loss is magnified. The hole left by the absence of a loved one becomes so huge during the holidays, it can engulf the one who is grieving. The hole becomes an emotional blackhole that has the potential tosuck away all hope and joy. Only someone who has been through this experience can begin to grasp the depth and reality of this painful time.

The holidays become something very different in the shadow of a significant loss. If you are the one who has experienced the loss, don’t expect much of yourself. Don’t worry about trying to be your same old self for everyone else. Granted, they won’t like that you are not yourself, but whether or not you are causing them discomfort doesn’t need to be your concern. Now is the time to take care of YOU! It’s OK to be somewhat selfish as you cope with the pain.

If you are a person who is going to be spending time with the one who is grieving deeply, be patient. This is all new territory for that person. DO allow them to grieve however necessary. DON’T tell them not to cry. Crying is important and helpful. It releases toxins and stress. DO be willing to talk about the one who has died if the grieving person needs to do that. DON’T avoid the topic!! Ask the person if they want to talk or not. Maybe it makes you a bit uncomfortable to talk about the person who died and you don’t like to see the other person crying, but so what. Right now, it is NOT about you. It is about the one who is experiencing fresh and intense grief.

Some other ways people can help is to offer to do some gift shopping for the one who is grieving, or offer to take the person with you. Just be ready to leave the store quickly if the person becomes overwhelmed. DON’T suggest to keep going because you think it will be better for them. Remember, this isn’t about YOU. Perhaps a group of people can offer to decorate the home for the holidays, but realize that the old familiar decorations might be too painful for them to see right now. You could offer to get a few simple decorations that are new to them–either some that you or other friends aren’t using this year or new ones from the store.

To help yourself get through this time, or to help someone you care about make it through, here are some websites that might be of help:

http://tinyurl.com/5u3xxy

http://tinyurl.com/6cwsz7

http://tinyurl.com/5k9ssd

You will want to check these out to see specifically how they apply since some are better suited to those who’ve lost children or who are of the Christian faith.

Here are some others:

http://tinyurl.com/6a4ya8 is a wonderful site for those who are experiencing grief due to a suicide. This site was started by a mother of a young man who committed suicide in his 20’s.

http://tinyurl.com/64mdfb is a website that deals with a variety of losses.

http://www.hygeiafoundation.org is geared toward people who have lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death.

http://goodgrief.org is also an excellent website for those who are grieving.

Remember, however that you don’t have to be the one grieving to gain something from these sites. They shed tremendous light on the subject of grief for those who desire to help others who are grieving. If that’s you, bless you! This world needs more people like you who want to help, even if it means you will hurt more too because of it. We are called to carry one another’s burdens, so let’s do that.

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