Michael & Jacob, You Made A Difference & You Still Are

Monday morning, January 4, approximately 1,000 people filled a church to remember a wonderful young man, Michael Warren.  Wednesday evening, January 6, hundreds more gathered in a chapel on the campus of the University of Georgia to do the same thing.  Michael Warren is a young man who touched a lot of lives and made a difference in this world during his 21 years with us.  His legacy will continue to flow through each and every one of us who knew him and loved him.

Michael Warren was not the kind of kid who was easily overlooked.  He wouldn’t stand for it.  Not because he needed to be the center of attention, but because he had an innate desire to meet and talk to everyone around him.  He loved people and he loved to talk, but not about himself so much.  He was usually asking questions or telling stories.  He was curious and he loved to learn about people, places, things, etc.

On the evening of December 31, 2009, Michael had a few options for what to do to ring in the new year.  He had a strong group of friends from a local youth ministry he was involved with that wanted him to stay on St. Simons Island to celebrate.  They loved Michael and wanted him around.  There was also a group of friends up in Athens, probably friends he met through a campus ministry, that he wanted to spend New Year’s Eve with, and that’s the group that won out in the end.  Michael got on the road to Athens mid afternoon.

He never made it there.

About 30 minutes before getting to campus, another young man about the same age as Michael was on his way home.  He was exhausted after spending a day and a half with his sister who was in labor at an Athens hospital.  He was obviously a young man who loved his family, like Michael did.  The birth of his sister’s child meant so much to him, he didn’t want to leave her, but when the baby proved to be in no big hurry to make her arrival, the uncle decided to head home, shower and get a change of clothes.  No one will probably ever know exactly how everything played out, but the pick-up truck this young man was driving crossed the center line and hit Michael’s SUV head on.

I can only imagine what that young man’s family is experiencing, but I don’t know him or his family.  I do know Michael, and I’m able to see how his wonderful family is grieving the loss of an awesome son and a wonderful big brother.

Michael and my son Jacob are friends.  I purposely use the present tense verb “are” because their friendship never ended.  Not when Jacob died, and certainly not when Michael died.  In fact, that friendship was made perfect on the night of December 31, 2009, when these two guys were once again face to face… but in Heaven.

Michael and Jacob met in 6th grade at Glynn Middle School.  Both guys got involved with FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) at the school. They got to know each other even better when they joined a Bible study of guys their age through the local youth ministry, The Gathering Place.  They met once a week during the school year at 7 am.  The two of them remained together in a Bible study until they graduated from high school.  By that time, only three guys remained:  Michael Warren, Jacob Nyenhuis and Matthew McCormick.

All three of those guys went to the University of Georgia together.  In fact, they all became residents of Russell Hall, a high-rise dorm on campus.  Five weeks into their freshman year of college, two of the threesome – Jacob and Matthew – were in an accident. It was September 24, 2006.  Jacob died and Matthew was about as close to death as you can come.

That accident had a huge effect on Michael.  He spent the next months trying to make sense of it all.  In the end, Michael’s faith grew deeper and he resolved to make a difference in this world.  He wanted to help make other people’s lives better.

Jacob had that same passion before he died.

Both of these guys didn’t just think about helping to improve the lives of others–they actually did something about it.

Jacob was making money through real estate transactions, starting at the age of 15, and giving a good portion of that money away.  At times he gave it to the church, other times he gave it to friends or even a family member in need.  His ultimate goal was to start a foundation.  He wanted to help people live life fully and fulfill their dreams.

I think that’s what Jesus wanted for people too.  That’s why Jesus came.

Michael was raising his own funds to go on mission trips.  He was reaching out and ministering to people all around him in his hometown and his college town.  Sometimes he was reaching people through formal groups or teams on which he served both at home and college.  Other times he was just doing his own thing… being Michael.  One of his many gifts was the ability to remember names and details about people.  If he had met you once, he likely remembered you and said your name the next time he saw you.  He made people feel special.  He took time for people.  He loved people.  He saw the good in people and all the potential that resided there.

Sounds like Jesus, doesn’t it?

On a very personal note, Michael was a blessing to our family.  He never forgot about Jacob, and he made a point of letting us know that.  Michael would stop by our house when he was home.  He also wrote about Jacob on occasion.  He would keep us up to date on his mission trips and stay connected on Facebook.  We enjoyed reading his blog posts and Facebook notes.

When he returned home from one of his mission trips, he came by the house and gave our daughter, Raleigh, a pair of slippers he had bought for her while he was overseas.  He had a way of making people feel important and special.  When my husband spoke at a Main Event of The Gathering Place ministry the summer of 2008, Michael stated that he wanted to help introduce Mr. Nyenhuis, and he did, along with Raleigh and our close family friend John Belt.

Michael always let us know that Jacob was special to him.  He said he’d always look for Jacob’s cross when he traveled highway 15.  It was only minutes down the road that his own accident took place.  How ironic.

Two great guys with big hearts and big dreams.  Michael was going to change the world and so was Jacob, but they both were taken from us.  We all need to grieve that loss and this temporary separation, but they wouldn’t want us to give up or get lost in sorrow.  They would want us to keep doing the good things they were already doing and keep their dreams alive.

Our family formally established The J9 Foundation less than two months after Jacob’s death.  Through the foundation, we have already awarded three $8,000 scholarships to a Glynn Academy graduate who possesses a compassionate entrepreneurial spirit much like Jacob’s.  We have also trained 60 young people in Africa to run their own businesses.  To learn more about the foundation, you can visit http://www.j9foundation.org.

Michael’s family already has plans to form a foundation that will help other college students go on mission trips and make a difference in this world, just like Michael did.  Any memorial gifts given to Frederica Baptist Church on St. Simons Island, GA that are marked for Michael Warren will be put toward the foundation.

Their dreams and passion will live on.  They will continue to make a difference in this world.

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People Grieve Differently

Here is a post I made 9 months after Jacob died.  I was amazed by the different ways my husband, daughter and I all grieved.  But NONE of the ways we grieved were wrong.  They were simply different.

When my husband and I stood outside the hospital and were told Jacob did not survive the car accident, I could not process what I was hearing. On the flight to Athens, I could sense God speaking to my heart saying, “Jacob’s O.K. I’m taking care of him. He is going to be all right. Don’t you remember how you prayed over and over for Me to place angels of protection around him whenever he got into a car? The angels were there.” The inner peace I had during that flight did not match the reality of later being told Jacob was dead. In fact, he died on the way to the hospital.

My internal response was to scream and pound my fists on the chest of the officer who delivered that horrible news. He had to be wrong! Why would he say such an awful lie? Why would he tell me my son was dead when I was going to go into that hospital and tell Jacob everything was OK because Mom and Dad were finally there? I had brought my Bible and planned to read psalms of comfort to him as he slept.

My external response was a barely audible, “What?” For a moment I was suspended in nothingness. Time seemed to stop. Then, I heard my husband cry out, “No! Not Jacob! Not Jacob!” We both dropped to the ground crying “No, please no! Not our Jacob!” At that moment I knew our lives would be different forever. I grabbed my husband’s arms and looked him in the eye and said, “We can’t let this tear us apart!” I had heard so many horror stories of marriages being destroyed after the sudden death or tragedy involving a child. Our family had just been assaulted and we were going to have to fight to keep us strong and together.

The differences in the grieving that my husband and I experienced began immediately. He continued to cry out while I went completely silent and numb. I lay with arms outstretched on my back on the ground with no will to live. My precious son was no longer alive on this earth, so I no longer wanted to be either. My face was going numb. With arms out to my sides, I thought of Jesus hanging on the cross and felt as though I were being crucified at that moment. My desire was to surrender everything, including my life. Nothng mattered anymore. Everything seemed meaningless in light of my son’s death.

When asked if we wanted to see Jacob, my first response was, “No!” I did not want to see my son dead. I wanted my last image of him to be when he was alive, driving away with the wind in his hair and his sunglasses on. How could I possibly want to see him without life? My husband knew immediately he wanted to see him. He needed to say goodbye, and he encouraged me to do the same. I reluctantly agreed. Our hearts broke to see our child, our firstborn, lying on a table with a white sheet over his body. Nothing in the world could ever prepare a parent for a moment like that. All of the love, joy, peace, and exictement that filled my heart that afternoon came pouring out, but there was no life there to receive it. I looked into his sweet face, just crying out to see life, but there was none. I had to turn away. The pain was more than I could bear. I think Michael was able to look longer and he bent down to kiss Jacob’s cheek before we left. He uttered words that I will never forget, “Sandy, he’s cold.” I love my son with all my heart, but I couldn’t bring myself to touch his body. I had hugged his warm, tan, beautiful body that afternoon.  That’s the last touch I wanted until I grab hold of him in Heaven.

When we left the room where Jacob’s body was, someone began asking questions regarding whether Jacob was an organ donor. My first thought was, “Don’t you dare cut into my son. He’s been through enough already. Don’t cut him up!” So I said out loud, “No, no, please don’t do that!” I knew Jacob had agreed to be an organ donor, and it was clearly stated on his driver’s license. Michael lovingly looked at me and said, “But Sandy, this is one last thing Jacob can do to help someone. You know he’d want to do that.” I knew he was right, but the thought was hard to accept. That’s when the nurse said such painful words to hear, “I’m sorry, he’s been gone too long. We couldn’t use them anyway.” Relief but regret all at once.

When we arrived back at the hotel, we had to tell our daughter that Jacob had not survived, and we knew it would absolutely devastate her. We agreed to tell her Jacob was in Heaven. Michael had the strength and clarity of mind to tell her while I just sat next to her. From the moment we found out about Jacob not surviving the crash, Michael was convinced we needed to get to Raleigh and tell her ASAP, even if that meant driving all the way back to St. Simons. By God’s grace and the goodness of other wonderful people, Raleigh had been flown up to Athens shortly after our plane left, so she was already waiting for us at the hotel in Athens.  When we told Raleigh, her heart was broken, but she immediately said, “I’m so jealous! Jacob gets to be with Jesus!”  Michael and I were amazed.  Of course the fear and sadness crept in as well.  “I don’t want to be an only child!” she said.  We assured her we would always be a family of four.  Jacob would ALWAYS be her brother.

An hour or so later, Jacob’s best friend arrived at our hotel room.  Once again, Michael had to be the bearer of sad news.  Bobby had driven all the way up from Valdosta, GA.  He already had a sense the news wasn’t good, but to have it all confirmed was horrible.  Watching him receive the news was horrible.  Raleigh and Bobby needed to get out of that hotel room as soon as possible.  Thankfully, Raleigh had a friend drive up who had lost his mother less than a year earlier.  He knew it would be important for her to get out and be with people her own age.  He took Raleigh to breakfast with a group of other young people.

The following morning was sunny and beautiful. Michael and I decided to go outside for a walk to get some fresh air. I wanted to get out on the campus and walk where Jacob had walked only days earlier. I wanted to be where he had lived and loved life for the past five weeks. For Michael, seeing students and the campus was far too painful. He needed to walk away from campus to get fresh air.  Raleigh needed to be on campus near Jacob’s friends.  Despite the enormity of the campus, she found some of Jacob’s friends rather quickly.  She needed their hugs and they needed to see that she was OK.

The following days back at our home, many young people were coming by the house. I was grateful for their presence but felt very uncomfortable with them going into Jacob’s room. I didn’t want anything to be moved or broken. Kids began asking to take mementos from Jacob’s room. I didn’t want anything to be removed. I wanted everything to stay here. Michael and Raleigh both seemed much more comfortable with having the kids in the room, selecting items to keep as a memory of Jacob. The whole thing seemed to be getting out of control, and we couldn’t remember who took what. In the end, I knew it was good for Jacob’s friend to have something special of his, and it didn’t matter if we had an inventory of where various items went.

Michael, being the writer and speaker in the family, was able to put together something very nice to say at Jacob’s memorial service. I found myself scribbling notes an hour before and getting frustrated. In the end, I forgot to bring my notes up front anyway and spoke off the top of my head, making little or no sense at all I’m sure. More than anything, my desire was for people to know how much Jacob loved them, loved life and loved God.  My heart said to tell them all how much God loved them too, and that Jacob knew that more than ever now.

In those first days after the memorial service was held, Michael wanted to go to the cemetery where Jacob’s ashes were kept. On the third visit to the cemetery, I got up and ran away. I couldn’t stand to be in a place that represented his death. I wanted to be out at the beach where Jacob spent most of his summer days. The thought running through my mind each time we walked into the cemetery was, “Why are you looking for the living among the dead?” The cemetery only made me think of Jacob’s death. I needed to be in places that reminded me of his life. Michael continued to visit the cemetery every day while I chose to walk the beach. Neither of us were wrong, we just had different ways of finding comfort.

Michael had a hard time looking at pictures of Jacob. I couldn’t get enough of them. The only ones I had a hard time looking at were those of him as a young child or baby. Somehow I saw such an innocence and hope for the future in the younger pictures that really hurt to look at, now that all those hopes and dreams had been shattered. But looking at pictures of Jacob taken recently was no problem at all for me. Michael was just the opposite. The only pictures he could even begin to look at were the ones of Jacob much younger. Maybe the whole thing seemed less real. Each time he looked into the face of Jacob as a young man, he was reminded of all that had been lost.

For 99 days straight, Michael wrote beautiful letters to Jacob. They were great therapy and helped him get through some very tough moments. My writing was very limited and it was usually only to other people, telling them about what had happened to Jacob. I could write ABOUT Jacob but not TO Jacob because it hurt too much. Michael was the opposite.

After a few weeks, I was finally able to go into Jacob’s room and begin looking through his things. During that time, I came across several little treasures, like his notebook for his philosophy class that had beautiful writings of his that spoke clearly about his faith in God. He wrote about heaven and hell as well. I would lie down on Jacob’s bed and begin to cry as I looked around the room and saw all the different things that triggered memories about him. I would cry out to God at those times as well. The experiences were very therapeutic. Michael, on the other hand could not bring himself to go into the room for months. He would barely even look in the direction of the room. Even now, he can’t go into the room with any sense of comfort or for any length of time.

Since those early days, we have shifted a bit. I can now visit the cemetery with relative ease. Michael doesn’t go nearly as much. I now write a lot about Jacob and to Jacob. Michael hasn’t had the time to do it. I can look at the baby pictures now, but it took me nearly 7 months before I could do it, and Michael seems to be able to look at the older pictures of Jacob a little longer.

The differences in grieving are amazing! But the most important thing to remember is that there is NO WRONG WAY to grieve. It is extremely personal and individualized. What is good for one may cause pain for another. Just knowing that ahead of time can help you to understand the conflicting views you may have. If the differences in grief are between you and a spouse, simply do your best to respect the other person’s needs and grieve in your own ways. Try not to get mad at the other because he/she can’t do what you need to do for yourself. It may hurt to be headed down different paths at times, but always find your way back to one another. Find out what kind of grieving you can do together. Find out ways you can do things together other than grieve. That might help you through those extremely difficult days, weeks, months and years. If you aren’t intentional about how you handle your grief you may wake up one day and find yourselves with a great divide between you that may seem too wide to get across.

Remain conncected somehow. Don’t allow yourselves to become totally disconnected in the area of physical affection. You have both been through an emotional roller coaster and a beating on your psyche and physical body. Allowing your phsycial affection to die will only compound the difficulties you will have. Restore that part of your relationship as soon as you can. It is great to experience that closeness when you’ve had someone else you love torn apart from you. I felt guilty the first time, but after experiencing the deep connection with my husband again, I knew it was essential to our wellbeing as a couple. Don’t let this part of your life die too.

By the way, I believe the angels I had prayed for were there on the night of Jacob’s accident, but their job that night was very different. I believe those angels helped to escort Jacob into Heaven. The peace God put in my heart on the flight? That was real too. God was taking care of Jacob and he was going to be OK. The Bible I had intended to read Psalms from to Jacob ended up being used for reading Psalms to me. Our friend who was with us that night at the hotel, who is a fabulous pastor, read from the Psalms to help me fall asleep. Nothing else would allow my spirit to calm down and rest. I don’t think the reading of the Psalms did anything to comfort Michael, however. We are all so very different.

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How Do You Survive The Death Of A Child?

This is a post I made nearly a year ago at a blog I started in 2007.  I am re-posting it here because I believe it is a good reminder, especially after Michael Warren’s departure to Heaven less than a week ago.

A friend recently reminded me of something I used to say.  “If anything ever happens to one of my kids, just lock me up and throw away the key, because I’ll never be able to survive it.”  That is exactly how I felt right up to the day Jacob died.  In fact, the day before, September 23, 2006, one of Jacob’s classmates died of bone cancer.  As we spoke of A.J. and his family after praying for them, I could not get my heart or mind around what the parents must have been going through.  “How does a parent let go of their child?  How does a mother let go of her son?” I asked aloud.  Just thinking about it was painful and beyond my ability to comprehend.

When we arrived at the small, rural hospital at 2:30 in the morning and were told Jacob had not survived the accident, my world fell apart.  I had a clear sense of God’s voice comforting me on the flight to Athens, Georgia, the closest airport to the accident site.  The comfort and reassurance was so great that I never cried.  I continued to pray for Jacob, but I knew he was going to be fine.  My focus turned to his friend who was in the car with him when the accident occurred.  When the final word about Jacob’s condition contradicted everything I felt God telling me, I felt betrayed, yet God was the only One I could turn to at that moment.

As the days and weeks passed, my mind went back and forth about God.  He would go from being (in my mind) The Betrayer to The Comforter to The Liar to The Miracle Worker.  Some days I’d have it out with God, shaking my fist and yelling, “How could you allow this to happen to my son?”  Other days I’d say, “Thank you for being there for my son when he died and bringing him into Your presence in Heaven.”  A particular passage from the Bible had a profound effect on me.  It says, “The righteous perish, and no one ponders (cherishes) it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.”  Isaiah 57:1  Jacob will never have to endure the evil of this world again.

No matter the state of my mind, heart or soul, God was always with me.  Each time I kicked and screamed like a child at God, my outburst would end with an overwhelming comfort, as though God had placed me in His lap and pulled my head to his chest and rocked me.  I felt an inner peace.  At those moments and many other times throughout this journey since Jacob’s death, I have wondered how people who do not believe in God survive such a tragedy.  Then I realized that God does not ONLY comfort those who believe in Him.  He even comforts those who curse Him and deny Him.  Blessings are given to the trustworthy and upright as well as the scoundrels who prey on innocent people.  God loves ALL of His children, even if they don’t love Him.  He never forces Himself upon anyone, for he is the ultimate of gentlemen, but He will always bring His presence and His comfort when it is needed.  We simply need to be willing to receive it, even if we have no idea who brings us this peace, strength and comfort.

The sad thing (in my opinion) is that those who don’t believe in God or recognize that it is Him who is comforting them have no idea how to find that comfort when it doesn’t seem so apparent.  When they are falling apart on the floor in a puddle of tears, who/what do they cry out to?  Other people I guess, and hopefully someone who is reaching out a hand to offer help is reflecting the love of God and being an ambassador of comfort for Him.  As soon as I begin to feel myself slipping into the dark abyss of sadness and despair, I know whose name to call and where to place my eyes.  My eyes are on Him, and I look up as He pulls me out.  I can’t imagine falling into despair and having no idea how to find the way out.

In no way do I consider myself better than another mother who has lost a child and does not seek God as her Comforter.  I just know that my journey, while excruciating, will be a little bit easier.  There’s also a beautiful light called Heaven awaiting me at the end of the tunnel.  That is where I will be with Jacob again, just as we were before, only better.  Even now I am with Jacob, but it does not satisfy the way it did when we both existed in this earthly realm.  Yet our time together, as fabulous as it was, was only a shadow of what is to come.  What lies ahead far exceeds even my greatest of expectations.  How I long for that day!!!!  But until then, my life still has purpose.  That purpose has changed in some ways that are hard to accept now that Jacob is gone, but the purpose is still worthwhile and I am the only one who can fulfill MY purpose on this earth.

So, I have strength to get through today.  Because I know I am here for a unique and specific purpose that no one else can accomplish, I have reasons to continue living and making a difference in this world while God still gives me breath.  I also have so much to look forward to when my days in this realm of life are done.  Without those things, I would never be able to pull myself out of bed.  Some may see my faith as a crutch, but I see it as my greatest strength.

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How To Help ~ A Few More Thoughts

If you are a close friend to the family who has experienced a loss, you might want to offer to spend the night in their home.  We weren’t home the first night since we went to the hospital where Jacob had been taken, but my friend, Kim, stayed at our house.  She answered the phone calls that came throughout the night as word began to spread.  Another couple of friends stayed the night the next night or two, until family members began arriving who could stay with us.

The presence of those friends helped us relax and get better rest.  Waking up the first morning we were home was horrible.  It felt good to have someone who was already there to answer the phone.  Believe it or not, the smell of coffee being made in my kitchen wafting down the hall still stands out in my mind as a source of comfort.

My husband’s brother and his wife stayed in our home for a few days.  Once they were here, our friends didn’t feel the need to spend the night.  My brother-in-law took it upon himself to be the last to go to bed.  He’d go around the house turning off lights and locking doors.  The sense of security he provided for us was invaluable.  When you’ve just had your entire mind and body assaulted by deep and profound grief, your sense of security is gone.  You feel overly vulnerable, so having someone else around to take care of those minor details is very helpful.

After days of shock, numbness and non-stop interaction, my husband and I were exhausted.  We appreciated the friends who continued to come to our home early in the morning.  Sometimes they would say very little, other times they would sit and talk with us, but they also served as shields of protection from the outside world.  They posted a note and placed a guest book outside our front door for people to sign and leave messages when we simply didn’t have the strength to visit with anyone.  When the heavy stream of visitors slowed down, they would greet people for us but also let them know if we were or were not up to a face-to-face visit.  I still remember feeling guilt when a dear friend of mine was walking up to my house but I knew I had no mind left to interact.  Someone who was already with me stepped outside and told her I couldn’t visit.  As much as I wanted to see that friend, I probably would have collapsed from the energy it took just to greet her.

Since my work as a private tutor left me with many hours during the day when I would be alone, friends made a point of asking me to go for walks in my neighborhood.  Sometimes they’d pick me up to go for lunch at a quiet restaurant where we were not likely to run into a lot of people.  For the first month after Jacob’s accident, I was unable to drive a vehicle, so friends would come and pick me up just to go for a drive or park at a spot that overlooked the beach.  Every now and then a friend would ask if I was up to showing them where Jacob’s ashes were stored at the cemetery.  Going to the cemetery wasn’t a deep desire for me, but the few times I went with a friend, it felt almost sacred.  Only our family and a handful of friends went to the cemetery when we had Jacob’s ashes placed there, so most of my friends had not been there and wanted to know exactly where to go.

Even though I’ve mentioned this in other posts, it is worth mentioning again.  Let the family know how much you love and miss the one who has died.  They will NEVER grow tired of hearing it.  Mention the person’s name and speak of fond memories.

If you have a special dream or experience that involves this person, let the family know.  Some dreams are nothing more than a short glimpse or thought of the loved one, but we still love to know about the dream.  Other dreams are, dare I say, MORE than just a dream.  What might seem insignificant to you might have great meaning to the family.

You might think only the dreams had by family members are significant to the family, but that’s not true.  We might be too quick at times to attribute our dreams to our pain and grief and dismiss them.  When someone else comes to us and tells us about a powerful dream or vision, we are encouraged and pay attention.  The number of people who had dreams and visions of Jacob astounded us.  In some cases, people had visions for the first time in their lives and they involved Jacob.

I am in no way referring to a person trying to make contact with the deceased.  This is not about working with a medium or any active attempt to connect with the spiritual realm.  I don’t believe that is the way to go about it.  This is only speaking of a dream or vision that comes naturally, and unprovoked.  God gives dreams and visions to people, but of His own desire.  He longs to be near and comfort us, and at times, when He chooses, He comforts us with a dream or vision.

As an example, two nights ago, my husband had a dream with Jacob in it.  He hasn’t had a dream with Jacob in months.  We believe this one was a gift from God.  Michael was driving his old VW Vanagon that our family used to travel and camp in over the years.  He sensed Jacob’s presence in the passenger’s seat and turned to look but couldn’t see him.  He looked forward again but reached out with his right arm to see if he could feel him.  When he felt something, he turned to see Jacob sitting there next to him.  Jacob reached out his arm and touched Michael and said, “I know you are hurting, Dad.”  There was more to the dream, and it was powerful.  I believe with all my heart God gave Michael that dream to comfort him in the midst of grieving the death of Jacob’s friend.  Michael rarely remembers his dreams, and the ones he does remember are usually disjointed and confusing.  This one was different.  It was clear, flowing and involved the sense of touch.

If someone who has lost a loved one shares a special dream with you, don’t dismiss it or tell them it’s all in their head.  If that’s what you believe, keep it to yourself.  Chances are you’ve never experienced one of these dreams.  If/when you do, you will KNOW it is different.

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Helpful Things To Do For Someone Who Has Lost A Child

Our community has lost another young adult who was, and always will be, a bright and shining star.  People in our community, like in most communities, are desperate to know how to help the grieving family.  I will share the ways in which our family was helped.  What helped and comforted us might not work for everyone, but at least it’s a start.  Let me also say that I was almost completely unaware of all that was being done for us until days or even weeks later.  The family is not asking for anyone to do these things, but people, in their heartfelt desire to help, might want to do these things.

A lot of people are in and out of the home, so food, drinks, ice, paper goods, etc are all helpful. Several people made cash contributions to help pay for the staple items. Giving the family freedom to focus on visitors rather than the details of food and drink is extremely helpful. The only word of caution would be to find out who is coordinating the food contributions or too much food might be brought and go to waste.  If no one is coordinating it, and organization is your gift, then offer to be the coordinator.

Have someone answering the phones and taking messages from well wishers.  It will become clear which calls need to be given directly to the family.  Most can be written down and shared with the family later in the day or another day.

Protect the family.  The number of people coming by can be overwhelming.  At times, the family might need to go off to a bedroom to rest.  Encourage the family members to drink water by bringing them a glass or bottle on occasion.  They won’t be thinking about drinking, but they will be doing a lot of crying and talking which dehydrates them quickly.  Encourage them to eat, even if it’s just a small bite of food now and then.  I can still hear my friend saying, “Eat a bean, Sandy. Eat a bean.”  She knew I needed nourishment but could hardly eat at all.  I had a plate of food in front of me, but the only thing I could imagine eating were the green beans, which were easy on my stomach.

Write down a sweet memory of the one who has died and give it to the family to read and cherish at a later date, but also share uplifting memories directly.  It will bless the family to hear how others love the one who is gone.  But those verbal stories might be forgotten, so follow them up with a written one.

Where it seems appropriate, and if the family desires it, offer to help with funeral arrangements and burial or cremation.  Our close friend asked what kind of place I’d like for Jacob’s ashes to be stored.  He went out and found the most wonderful location at a local cemetery.  We didn’t have a place picked out  yet since we never imagined our son would be dying.

That same friend, along with a friend of ours who is a lawyer, dealt with the insurance matters, coming to us only to sign papers or ask some specific questions.  We could not think clearly enough to deal with  those legal details.

When it came to dealing with the funeral home, once again, our friends stepped in.  We didn’t need as many funeral home services as most people since we never held a viewing or visitation and planned to hold the memorial service at our own church, but there were still the issues of transporting Jacob’s body and arranging for the cremation, in addition to a trip to the cemetery to have Jacob’s ashes placed at the columbarium. Our friend made all of those arrangements for us.  He consulted us as necessary, but we had very little to do with those details. When it came to signing the awful papers for the funeral home, two kind women came to our home with the papers.  We NEVER entered the funeral home for ANY details.

Offer to pick people up from the airport who are coming into town.  Many of our family members were arriving for the funeral at an airport over an hour away.  Some of the people from out of town rented cars, but a few needed transportation.

As the funeral approaches, videos will  need to be put together and music arranged.  If you can offer your services in these areas, do so.  Someone will have to collect pictures for the video, which might require a little input from the family, but gather as much as possible without having to ask the family to select all of the pictures.  Looking at pictures can be very painful.  Go to the young people who are always taking pictures and ask them to contribute any special pictures they might have.  Ask the family and friends of the young person who died what some of his/her favorite songs were.  Clear the song list with the family before the actual service.

People offered to cut and color my hair.  I didn’t opt for the cut, but a precious friend actually took the time to color my hair right at my home.  It felt extremely indulgent and selfish to have my hair colored, but I was already a week or so late for having it done.  Silly as it may sound, I wanted to look reasonable for Jacob’s sake.

Offer to help select clothes for the funeral.  It’s a horrible thing to be looking in your closet to decide what you’re going to where to your child’s funeral.

If the family is planning to speak at the memorial service, offer to help write out what they’d like to say.  It’s hard to focus when your mind is draped in grief and you are still in shock.

People volunteered to answer our phone and clean our home while we were at the memorial service. The thought had never crossed my mind, but we were told it was good to have people in our home at that time.  A few dark-minded people actually look at obituaries to find the time of funerals in order to rob the home of the family while they are gone.  I don’t think anyone would have done that in our community, but it’s possible.

Some people were generous beyond our comprehension.  They flew their own planes or had other pilots fly planes to transport our immediate family to Athens the night of the accident and to bring us back home.  But others continued to offer their planes by flying some of Jacob’s friends home for the memorial service and having them flown back to campus afterward.  We couldn’t even fathom such generosity.  We will always be grateful for those incredible gifts of airplane flights.

If you are creative and computer savvy, offer to make a memorial page for the family.  You can do that for free on Facebook.  When it comes to a young person dying, there is usually a group created within the first few days on Facebook by one of the young friends.  You can get a little fancier by creating a memorial website online.  There is usually a small fee involved.  I created one for Jacob that was a few dollars a month or $100 for a membership that lasted forever.  You can check out that memorial site at http://jacobnyenhuis.memory-of.com if you’d like.

One young girl who never even met Jacob but had a knack for making videos created a simple memorial video and posted it at YouTube.  She was able to get a lot of the pictures off the memorial website and had read enough information to know which songs would be special to us.  That was one of the sweetest acts of love and kindness I had experienced.

We had dinner delivered to our home for weeks on end.  It was a blessing to not have to worry about cooking.  We’d often have leftovers for lunch the next day.  The people that delivered food were very respectful of our time.  They’d usually come in and chat with us for a few minutes and leave.  Dishes that need to be returned should be clearly marked.

Once my husband started going back to work, there was a schedule of women who visited with me each day–just one person for about an hour or two per day.  It forced me to get up and out of bed.  Sometimes I was still in my pajamas, but usually I was dressed.  This was a wonderful gift.  Even though there were days when I didn’t really want anyone to come over, it proved to be helpful.  The people who came usually just let me talk about Jacob.  I desperately needed to speak his name.

Many people brought us books that dealt with grief and death.  I consumed those books, but friends of mine have said they couldn’t read anything for weeks or even months after the death of their child.  Granted, I needed to read and reread pages many times, but I found comfort in reading.

Our associate pastor visited once or twice a week for over a month.  It gave my husband and I a chance to ask those deep, spiritual questions and vent our (my) anger toward God for allowing our son to die.  We were trying to make sense of something that made no sense.  To this day, I’m not sure I understand it much better than I did back in those early days, but it was a blessing to talk to our pastor about it.

Thank you cards are difficult to write, especially when hundreds of them need to be sent.  Some of our creative-minded friends designed a special thank you card that was sent to those who attended the funeral, sent cards or flowers, made meals, etc.  People volunteered to help address the envelopes as well.  I’m sure some cards were never sent that should have been, but all of the help made it possible for most of the thank you cards to get out.

Keep sending cards and notes, even months or years later.  We had a few people who sent cards faithfully to let us know they were praying for us.  It meant so much to know people had not forgotten.  The pain doesn’t stop when the people go away and the cards stop coming in the mail.  In fact, it gets worse.  Your words of encouragement can give a sense of hope and love on a day when it is needed more than you can possibly imagine.

Speak the name of the one who died.  My son didn’t just disappear from my memory, but it killed me when it felt like he disappeared from other people’s thoughts and memories.  Keep speaking the name.  I love to hear the name of my son.  While I might cry, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t mention him.  I need to know that he lives on in your heart.

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Saying Goodbye To Another Member of the Glynn Academy Class of ’06

With Spring 2006 upon us, my son, Jacob, was excited for his senior year to come to an end.  Graduation was only a couple of months away.  One day, he said with a sense of pride and wonder, “Mom, can you believe our class is the first in several years to reach graduation without anyone dying?”  I asked him to explain.  He said that every other graduating class for the past several years had lost someone in the class at some point from kindergarten to graduation.  The Class of ’06 was different.  Not one student in that graduating class of Glynn Academy had died while attending school here in Glynn County.  I found it to be a rather unusual thing to be excited about, but I also found it to be an interesting fact.  At a meeting I attended a few days later, I asked the high school principal if it were true, and he confirmed it for me.

The more I thought about it, the more excited I became for Jacob and his classmates.  Many of the teachers would tell you that the class of ’06 was a special group of kids.  They had an immense amount of school spirit, and they were a friendly bunch of kids.  The lines between cliques were rather fuzzy.  While there were groups of kids who fit certain descriptions, these groups weren’t nearly so isolated or disrespectful toward each other.  Pretty much everybody seemed to get along.  They were a bright group of kids, but a bit too well known for being lazy.  Even so, the teachers liked the spirit of this class.  They were special. It was as if the class was charmed.

Sadly, only four months after graduation, three of the students from the Class of ’06 were gone.  Two had died of cancer, and Jacob had died in his car accident.  Only 19 months after graduation, 6  students had died.  In addition to the first three, another died in a house fire, one died as a result of a gunshot wound (Jacob’s first friend when we moved to the island) and another was killed Christmas night 2007 by a drunk driver (she and Jacob had gone to school together since 3rd grade).  This is an unusually high number of deaths for such a short period of time.  The class had approximately 350 students.  When I attended my 25-year class reunion in 2005, only 10 classmates had died in that 25 year period, and we had a class of over 500.

Last night, the Glynn Academy Class of ’06 said goodbye to yet another.  Michael Warren was the 7th to lose his young life.  Michael and Jacob had been friends since 6th grade.  They were on the same academic team during their first year of middle school, and they were part of the same weekly Bible study small group.  They remained together in that Bible study all the way to graduation.  They weren’t best friends, but they were solid friends.  As a result of Jacob’s death, Michael did some deep soul searching.  His relationship with God grew deeper than ever.  He never forgot about Jacob or our family.  He would visit us on his breaks, connect with us on Facebook and keep us updated on his mission trips.  He always looked for the cross placed at Jacob’s accident site, located about 30 minutes south of the college town where they lived.

Matt, Michael Warren and Jacob celebrating graduation together

Michael was on his way back to campus after being at home.  He was driving along Hwy 15 in Greene County.  He was just outside of Greensboro when the accident occurred.  Oddly enough these are the exact same circumstances of Jacob’s accident.  In fact, Michael would have passed the cross marking the site of Jacob’s accident only minutes before his own accident took place.  I wonder if he was thinking of Jacob or even “talking” to him.  A truck crossed the center line and hit Michael’s vehicle head-on.  Both drivers were killed.  The Warren family was contacted at approximately 10 pm, the same time we received the call about Jacob.

It’s hard to believe these two friends who both loved the Lord would die only miles apart but over three years apart.  I know Jacob and Michael are at Home and together again, laughing and dancing, but I’d much rather they both be at home with their families and friends.  We will always love you and miss you until we are together again Jacob and Michael!

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Christmas Will Never Be What It Was

On Christmas Day 2009, I sent text messages to a number of friends who have lost a child. One of my friends lost her daughter Christmas night, 2007. Sigourney was on her way home when a drunk driver killed her. My thoughts will be with my friend Laurence every Christmas from now until I die, because she not only has to do Christmas without her daughter, but she also marks the anniversary of her daughter’s death. Technically, her daughter was killed a few minutes after midnight, so she died on December 26, but for all intents and purposes it was Christmas night. On top of that, Sigourney’s birthday is December 27. She would have been turning 20. What unbelievable pain for one mother/father to endure in a 72-hour period every single year.

Another friend of mine lost her 18-year-old son this past May 18, 2009 in a car accident. This was her first Christmas without her son.  The last words of my text to her were the title of this blog.  Christmas will never be what it was.

It’s true.

While Christmas itself doesn’t change, the way we view Christmas after the death of a child does change.  The joy we once experienced at the sound of Christmas music playing in stores has diminished. Now, the sound of Christmas songs brings waves of pain and sadness. It triggers tears and even panic attacks.  Pulling out those old ornaments the kids made when they were younger brings tears of sadness rather than laughter.  Rather than the lightness of laughter as we see how goofy the ornaments look, there is a heaviness, as we are reminded of who is no longer with us.

Decorating the house for Christmas is an act of drudgery rather than an experience filled with excitement.  It is a chore, and we just go through the motions while memories course through our minds of how wonderful and easy life used to be.  What we wouldn’t give to experience the laughter and joy of Christmas once again with our child.

At the same time, Christmas becomes better in ways.  We no longer view it through the eyes of commercialism and consumerism. The meaning of Christmas changes, perhaps to what it always should have been. It becomes more about Jesus and the gift of hope that came through a Child born into this world who would save the world.  Because God was willing to become flesh and dwell among us, the pathway to hope was paved.  The way Jesus lived, died and rose again is the reason we can have assurance that life goes on after death.  We WILL see our child again.  Praise God!

Christmas music is lovely (for the most part), and Christmas decorations are beautiful (for the most part), but those are not what Christmas is all about. And it certainly isn’t about the gifts under a Christmas tree, as special and fun as they might be.  Christmas is about the gift of a Child to this world that offered hope for eternity.  Christmas serves as a reminder of all that was done for us so we could live life fully, die and live life again, but as it was meant to be.  Life without death or pain or sorrow will one day be ours to enjoy with God Himself and the child we so dearly miss.

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A Ride On A Magic Carpet

Making it through another Christmas without my son, Jacob, is hard.  When I allow myself to think about all that could/should have been, the pain is deep and tears flow easily.  Most of the time, I just try to keep my thoughts elsewhere.  I know I’m not alone in this approach.  Many people have become my support during these past three years and three months, and most of them have been other moms who have lost children.  It is to these people I look to determine whether my actions and attitudes are “normal”–whatever that means.

Last night, I found myself going to a group on Facebook I’ve been a part of for over two years.  The group members are moms who have lost children.  It is a closed group, so I apologize that you can’t go check it out.  Sometimes it’s important for us to have a safe place to go and write what we need to write.  Other moms who’ve lost children understand the need to cry out for help or to say it has been a surprisingly good couple of weeks.  We can freely write about our children and not worry about someone getting bored with what we would like to share.  As I pored over the site last night, I found a wonderful posting by one of the moms.  She had gotten it from a website called HeavenLetters (http://heavenletters.org), and I’d like to share it here.

HEAVEN #2943 A Ride on a Magic Carpet

God said:

No matter what I say and how much I say, it seems that My children fear death, so-called death. Do you not know that leaving the cumbersome body is part of life?

That the body dies is no secret. Must it seem like such a dire thing? Must it? Life on Earth is not really a matter of life and death. I know you think so. You think that death is some horror waiting for you. Haven’t you been taught to fear it? Camps called hospitals have been set up to delay it, medicines to defray it. Concern with the body’s death is an occupation on Earth. Do not let it become a preoccupation. It’s not worth it.

I will tell you, with all due regard to life, that from life to death is like going from riding a donkey to riding a magic carpet. I do not disparage life on Earth by calling it a donkey, for you know I love everything, every creature, and you. Riding a donkey is a wonderful thing. Flying on a magic carpet is another wonderful thing. This magic carpet awaits all. It exists for you. It is your servant. No one really wants to live forever in his body.

Death is not a vulture waiting for you. There is no death, beloveds. It is a lovely thing to ride on this metaphor of a magic carpet. When you ride on this magic carpet, illusion falls away. All the troubles of the world are illusion. Do you really want to hang on to illusion forever?Illusion serves you as it serves you. It serves only for a little while. It serves only in the illusion of time. Will you believe me when I tell you that Reality far exceeds even the finest of illusions on Earth? Again, this is not to take away from what you hold important and all the love that the world does hold. This is not to take you away from the joy of children and the fun of hopping, skipping, and jumping. Because the world is illusion doesn’t take away a jot from the joys of illusion. The joys of illusion are like previews of what is to come. Not only what is to come, but what has been, and never was otherwise.

The clothes you wear on Earth are cover-ups. Even the body is hidden on Earth. How much more is hidden from your view!

There is no death. There is no purgatory. If there is purgatory, consider life on Earth that. Life on Earth purges you of many things. That is not to say that you need to get ready to be in My Presence. You have never been anywhere else. You are already in My Presence.

I simply don’t want you to have so much mumbo-jumbo about death. Death does not bring you to your knees. It is not an ogre. It does not defeat you. It is just a servant. Whatever you think, it serves you well. It is not that Death helps you to escape from life. Death is a leaving, but it is not an escape. Life is yours forever. Death brushes your hair from your eyes so that you can see all that which was obscured from your view. It is like Death takes your sunglasses off. You simply don’t need them anymore. No angle of the Sun’s light is too bright for you anymore.Are sunglasses, even designer sunglasses, really so precious to you? Do you think you are not you without them?

When your body dies, nothing has happened. It is not the big deal you have thought.When on Earth you travel from one country to another, you simply travel from one beautiful country to another. You are still you.

And when your time on Earth is up, you simply change your direction and continue on your adventure. And you are still you.

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Having “Jacob’s Limp”

When I am looking for advice or counsel on some matter, I go to a person or people who have experience regarding that matter.  If I have questions about my computer, I ask someone who is computer savvy, not my mother, who still doesn’t have internet access in her home.  But if I have a question about cooking or mothering, I call my mother, not my computer savvy friend.  You get the point.  It’s not any lack of respect for either my mother or my friend.  They each have experience that lends itself to specific areas, and it only makes sense to go to the one who has the experience.

A few weeks after Jacob died, I received a letter from a cousin.  For years, I had admired this cousin for his deep faith that had remained strong through good times and bad.  His letter contained an interesting perspective that I’d like to share with you.

My cousin wrote that as he was driving in his truck, he was listening to a Christian radio station.  A woman was speaking.  She mentioned that whenever she needed advice regarding matters of faith, she would only seek out those who had what she referred to as “Jacob’s limp.”  She went on to explain the story of the Old Testatment patriarch, Jacob.  Jacob’s life was very blessed, but he also faced many struggles.  In fact, one night Jacob wrestled with “a man” all night until Jacob’s hip was wrenched by the man, leaving him with a constant limp.  That “man” was God.  In the morning, God blessed Jacob saying, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and HAVE OVERCOME.”  Jacob’s limp served as a reminder not only of his struggles, but of his blessings and his strength to overcome.

The fact that this woman’s reference included Jacob’s name was enough to catch my attention, but to grasp what she meant by it made the reference all the more special.  This speaker was saying that she didn’t trust the counsel of anyone who had basically just sailed through life with little disturbance or difficulty.  She wanted someone who had faced a few major storms and lived to tell about it and praised God in the end.  The ones who had survived had wisdom that those who had never been tested could ever hope to have.

My cousin went on to say that I had developed “Jacob’s limp.”  He knew that the counsel of one who had struggled with the death of a child was worth much, if in the end she was able to overcome and continue to glorify God.  I was so deeply honored by my cousin’s words.  No vanity or ego was wrapped up in that honor whatsoever.  In fact, I was humbled that he saw me as one who had overcome and saw God being glorified through our experience. May God receive ALL the glory and honor for His goodness and grace that is beyond measure!

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You Might Need To Try Something New This Christmas

There is always the question that comes when special dates are approaching, “What do we do?” To ignore a special date can cause the one who is grieving to feel they have betrayed the loved one who is gone.  Guilt can result, leading to a deeper grief. On the other hand, some might find it too painful to do any formal recognition of the date or event.

The holidays are different. Unlike a birthday or anniversary, the whole world knows when it is holiday time. The stores show signs of the approaching holiday several weeks in advance. When it comes to tradition-filled holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas (if you celebrate either one), it is important to have a plan in mind for what you are going to do. Some people want to hold onto the traditions because doing so helps them feel close to the one who is gone. Getting out the decorations for the holidays might begin a sweet, heart-warming trip down memory lane. While a few tears might come during that process, it can still be a very positive experience.

Another option is to start some new traditions. If doing the same thing (but without the loved one) is not an option, then this might be the approach to use. This might mean gathering at a new location or doing different activities. It might even mean taking a trip somewhere, unlike any you have done before. If tradition will only cause pain, it is better to try a new routine.

Then there is always the option to skip the holidays all together. For some, going through the motions just to please everyone else is more than they can bear. It’s kind of hard to pretend it’s just another day when on Thanksgiving or Christmas all the stores and even most restaurants are closed. However, if going out is not necessary anyway, it’s possible to create a feeling of “just another day” inside one’s own house. Maybe getting away on a cruise is the answer, but chances are they will be playing holiday music and have holiday-themed activities.

For us, doing something entirely different was the answer. The 2nd Christmas without Jacob, I was able to decorate, but most of the decorations were new ones. I still couldn’t bring out the handmade crafts from when the kids were younger or the familiar ornaments. Rather than stay home or be with extended family. We headed south and stayed in a condo in Florida near the beach. It turned out great.

One family we know was given tickets to a cruise for their first Christmas after their son died. The mom and dad and five kids set sail. For the kids, it was a fun diversion, but for the mother, it was a nightmare. All she wanted to do was get off the stupid boat and have her son back. She was a prisoner at sea. But another couple we know who lost their only child, a daughter, went on a cruise for Christmas, and it was very helpful for them. Being in an entirely different place made it feel less like Christmas, which made it better.

We each have to try our own thing based on what we know about ourselves and our situation. The choice we make may not end up being the right one or the best one, but that’s how we learn. Sometimes the “wrong” choice can be devastating, and we need to be prepared for that as well. Our first Christmas was disastrous, but the second one was far better. The third Christmas was the first one in which we were comfortable being in our home again since Jacob’s death.  We couldn’t attend the Christmas Eve service at our church, so we attended a different one.  We are about to face our fourth Christmas without Jacob. We’ve opted to repeat what we did last year, except we are in a new house–a house in which Jacob never lived.  I still haven’t been able to bring out the old ornaments or handmade decorations of Jacob’s.  We’ll be attending the same Christmas Eve service we did last year because it has become our new church home.  We don’t really know what to expect this Christmas.  There is no guarantee that it will be good, but we think it will be okay.

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